


choking

by simplesilence



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:35:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22397917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplesilence/pseuds/simplesilence
Summary: walking the line between falling apart and poetic//i don't know why any of those are bolded it just felt fitting i guess
Kudos: 1





	choking

"where do you feel the anxiety?"

my throat is closing i know not literally but i sit in class and claw at my neck anyways

jugular vein mikulski word i can't pronounce but i know it means suicide women stabbing themselves in the throats

my hands are trembling and i cannot make it stop

gripping to my desk like i will float away if i don't i know i am too heavy to float away but i am scared of floating further into my own thoughts

i am struggling to explain the feeling it's like i'm a boat and i had ropes tying me to shore but not literal ropes ropes as in people it's figurative but i cut those ropes because i apparently have no fucking self preservation instinct and this is just another way to hurt myself i will make the people i love most hate me it's a twisted form of self harm and a conscious fucking decision now that i have no ropes there is nothing to save me from the sea and i deserve it i deserve it i deserve it

my great-grandma died and i feel like i should have been in all black

i also feel like i should have cried

i cried but it wasn't over that

**why can't i stop crying**

commonplace to everyone else is a fucking accomplishment to me why is that

i stood up and wrote on the board in math that's not a big deal but that's one of the only times i've voluntarily answered a question and i got it right

nothing makes sense to me but math

math makes sense

i like math

but answering one question shouldn't be such a fucking achievement

but even eleven hours later i am crying over the fact that he said he was proud of me and so did my mom

i make her sad too why do i do this to people

the sleeves of my sweatshirt slip past my wrists and she circles her hands around my wrists and tells me i am getting too skinny

but i can't bring myself to eat

**being full feels like being sick**

i can't even eat foods i used to love anymore without dissecting them into how many meals they cost and deciding it's not worth it

that's such a fucked up system but it is the only one i know anymore

the waves of nausea are getting unbearable but there is nothing in me for my body to reject

i sit in the middle of class with my legs tucked to my stomach and it fucking hurts

my head is spinning and all of a sudden my entire body wants to mutiny

**i only know how to be empty because then i am hurting and it feels like at least i'm doing something right**

**it feels like they'd agree i deserve it so i can say i'm doing this for them, right?**

the select few people i let read my palm look at me incredulously but their disagreement with the words just gets lost in translation somehow

to anyone wondering, i won't write the words here but i'm not sure if it's a list of reminders or of labels

i know too much about this website 

like how it works and stuff

it's late at night (11:51) so unless i set it otherwise this will be dated as one day in the future and i don't know why

i wish i wasn't so trapped in this body

but i am

and everything is overwhelming but i can't do anything about it because for example it was the middle of my fucking bio class so i just decay

i feel like an atom bomb

i have split in half and now all i do is harm everyone in my surroundings

it's easier now that they don't care 

there's no reason not to let myself do all of this shit because **if nobody cares about me i'm not hurting anyone when i hurt myself**

**i don't want to hurt anyone except myself**


End file.
